From Overqualifieder, by Joey Comeau. Published by ECW Press in 2015.
I am responding to your job posting for a Credit and Collections Manager. I am currently in the market for a job in this field, and on one of my daily visits to your site I was thrilled to discover that Neopost was hiring. I have waited a long time for this opportunity, and I am including my resume for your review.
My resumé details my fifteen years of extensive experience in Credit and Collections Management. It sometimes feels like I have worked in Credit and Collections Management all my life. Do you ever feel that way, Neopost? Anyway. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call me. This opportunity is once in a lifetime, and I assure you that I believe in what your company is doing one hundred percent. And I have certainly been watching closely.
My first encounter with Neopost came two years ago, while I was on the internet looking for alternatives to the traditional postal system (which had previously caused the death of my entire family). I found Neopost’s website to be pleasantly designed and informative, and I immediately saved the address in my “Bookmarks.” On a subsequent visit, I began to realize the full implications of the existence of services such as yours.
Using equipment purchased on your website, I have begun to construct my own post office in the basement of my house. Your company has provided me with the finest in mailroom furniture and high-volume sorting and folding machines. The newest addition is, of course, a 30-kg digital scale, for weighing mail and determining the rate. It’s interfaced with the mail machine, and I have named it Maggie because that was my youngest daughter’s name.
The chance to put my Credit and Collections Management experience to work for your company is something I am willing to die for. My post office is almost finished, but I know that I will need to build one in every town before I can fully replace the postal service. The employee discount that you will hopefully provide should make a helpful dent in the costs associated with that as well.
The depression and suicidal fantasies of three years ago are nothing but a memory to me now. I am a man consumed with passion, and your products have given a new meaning to my life. Without you I do not know where I would be, and I do not want to know. I am happy now, pursuing my goal.
My dead family and I are in your debt, and I long to help you in any way I can. I feel I could make a real difference at your company.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my resumé. I am willing to relocate to anywhere in Canada.