The Honorary Canadian Awards: A Modest Proposal

It is pro­posed that: in the inter­est of fos­ter­ing bet­ter under­stand­ing of the Canadian iden­tity through­out the world, The Geist Foundation spon­sor the Honorary Canadian Awards Program (HOCAP) by iden­ti­fy­ing and reward­ing non-citizens who “act in a man­ner befit­ting a Canadian.”

Some sug­gested categories:

1. The Neville Chamberlain Medal

Awarded to non-Canadians who, in a sin­gle act, seem to char­ac­ter­ize the Canadian identity.

2. The Ron Howard Lifetime Achievement Trophy

“The Howie.” Awarded to the non-Canadian indi­vid­ual or insti­tu­tion who, through the course of a body of work or achieve­ments, demon­strates an inte­grated under­stand­ing of Canadian-like characteristics.

3. The Bryan Adams Dishonourable Discharge Citation

Awarded to the Canadian who, in a sin­gle act or achieve­ment, demon­strates a pro­found dis­re­gard for his or her native-born character.

Some pro­posed caveats:

Nominators be res­i­dents of Canada or the equiv­a­lent. All nom­i­na­tors must suc­cess­fully answer a skill-testing ques­tion such as:

The beaver is our national sym­bol because:

a) it is indus­tri­ous and loyal

b) it has buck teeth, inter­breeds and rarely tips

Nominees should prob­a­bly be alive; any­thing else might be seen to pose an unfair advan­tage. For the same rea­son, the fol­low­ing might also be found to be inel­i­gi­ble: doc­u­men­tary film­mak­ers, wildlife artists, career diplo­mats, first-born sons, cit­i­zens of Switzerland, Democratic pres­i­den­tial hope­fuls, and the guy who played the Bruins goalie on Cheers.

Further clar­i­fi­ca­tion needed:

1. What, exactly, is “a man­ner befit­ting a Canadian”?

2. What is a Canadian?

3. What is a non-Canadian?

4. Can 1 or 2 above he defined as the neg­a­tive of the other? 

5. Do gum­boots, Nelson Eddy, lum­ber­jack shirts, or toques play any part in the answers to 1, 2 or 3?