From Grain (Fall 2010). See more haiku horoscopes at haikuhoroscopes.com.
ARIES (March 21–April 19)
Say goodbye to your Sense of self-worth and hello To my horoscopes TAURUS (April 20–May 20) The monster under Your bed disqualifies you For life insurance GEMINI (May 21–June 20) Sadly, the rise of Our robot overlords will Cramp your dating style CANCER (June 21–July 22) Don’t count your chickens Before they hatch sinister Plans to dethrone you LEO (July 23–Aug 22) You will learn the true Meaning of pain when you buy A dictionary VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22) It won’t make sense now But pack some cheese down your pants And await your fate LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22) Get ready for a Season of great weather and Morbid irony SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21) Let go of the past But don’t let go of that guy Hanging off the cliff SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21) As preparation For his next role, Daniel Day- Lewis will kill you CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19) Barracuda! With That said, it’s time to invest In mutual funds AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18) You have disobeyed Willy Wonka’s simple rules And now you must die PISCES (Feb 19–March 20) Let’s get serious For a moment—it’s not right To eat that baby