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@ Robert H. Elliott: But

@ Robert H. Elliott: But this was part of the genius of the story. The long sentences are exactly the way a breathless child trying to get a story out quickly would speak.

Kelda Larsen more than 13 years ago

It's called literary

It's called literary criticism and it's actually very helpful believe it or not.

Anonymous more than 13 years ago

Are you seriously telling

Are you seriously telling people what they can and cannot write in their comments? The whole point of posting these is to share opinions. Neither of the critiques were disrespectful. The writer (and other commenters) are welcome to disagree or disregard them.

Jane more than 13 years ago

Great Story, poor comments

A constructive comment on a story should not have the words 'I like' or 'I didn't like'. It should also NEVER say 'Instead of ..., it should be ...' because then you are writing your own story, you are not helping anyone.

It is a very humourous story, and it worked perfectly within the medium of micro-fiction. Very Good.

Paul more than 13 years ago


the arrogance, the Arrogance of Jannert and Robert, above. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?

Anonymous more than 13 years ago


well that would have been YOUR story, not the story you are reading, no?

Anonymous more than 13 years ago

Slow down ...

You're a good writer but slow down and quit 'cramming' all the ideas you had for this story into such a small space.

Respect your readers. Offer them a chance to hear and to absorb your words and the tale.

Small bites are better for the digestion

Robert H. Elliott more than 14 years ago

Your real story starts at the end of your paragraph

I reckon your final sentence, as written, should START your story, not finish it. Upset by the incident you describe earlier (which provides interesting background information, but has no plot and is therefore not really a story) your Filipina nanny does something totally out of character for her, goes somewhere she never goes and does something she would never ordinarily do -- and something she does NOT expect happens to her. That's where your story should start. What happens next?

Example: (Once upon a time), our Filipina nanny was so upset with her (miserly, two-timing) husband, the doctor, that she drove to downtown Halifax and went to the Casino -- something she'd never done before, because she didn't drink and was deathly afraid of dying --- put (her last) fiver into the slot machine and won five hundred dollars. (She didn't realise she'd won anything at all until a blizzard of five dollar bills began shooting rapidly out of the trap door. They wafted into untidy drifts around her feet and her handbag, and, after a few moments of stunned disbelief, she dropped to the pink-and-purple-patterned carpet, to snatch at even more fluttering bills with guilty hands. What had she done wrong? Had she somehow broken this expensive machine? Surely so much money couldn't be hers, just like that. Out of the corner of her eye...) Etc Etc

Jannert more than 14 years ago