The Flower Lights Up

A play in one scene, based on a true story

Scene

Montreal, during the Canada Cup training camp

Time

Summer, 1981

Characters

Guy Lafleur: dynamic, handsome, virile superstar of the Montreal Canadiens. Lafleur, 32, beloved by all, drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney and drives like a maniac. Author and hockey fan Mordecai Richler once remarked that Lafleur possesses the charisma of a European film star, combining the glamour of Alain Delon with the everyman appeal of Gérard Depardieu.

Wayne Gretzky: effete, homely, eminently jejune goal suck of the Edmonton Oilers. Gretzky, 21, can’t even bench press his own puny weight, yet somehow, perhaps due to a conspiracy (is it really credible that a guy can play twenty years in the NHL and not get his nose broken at least once?), he has managed to usurp Lafleur as hockey’s greatest star. Mordecai Richler once said of Gretzky that he was perhaps the most boring man he’d ever met.

Lights up (Thunder, the pounding of heavy rain and the screeching of tires. Lafleur and Gretzky are inside an overturned car on a lonely stretch of road.)

Gretzky  My God! My God! My God!

Lafleur (sighs)  Not again. You okay dere, Wayne?

Gretzky  Yes, I’m not injured. Thank God, nothing’s broken. Not a scratch. I hate getting hurt, Guy, I just hate it. That’s one of the reasons I love hockey so much. I know I’ll never get hurt playing hockey.

Lafleur  Not a scratch here, either. Dis is a nice soft ditch. It’s always been good to me.

Gretzky  You mean this happened before?

Lafleur (as he lights a cigarette) Yeah, twice. I s’pose dis makes it a Hat Trick, eh? Heh, heh.

Gretzky  Are you lighting up? We just got into a car accident!

Lafleur  You seem upset, Wayne. Here, have a cigarette, it’ll calm your nerves while also giving you da strength to help push da car back onto all its wheels.

Gretzky  No, I keeping telling ya, I don’t smoke. I don’t think an athlete should smoke. How many do you smoke a day, anyway?

Lafleur  Two to t’ree packs a day. Dat’s not as much as it sounds because, you must remember, I never sleep.

Gretzky  Never? That’s impossible.

Lafleur   Ask Steve Shutt and my wife—they’ll tell you.

Gretzky  Steve Shutt?

Lafleur  Shutty’s my roommate on da road.

Gretzky  Jesus, Guy, how can you live like this?

Lafleur  Wayne, don’t take dis the wrong way, but you need to do somet’ing about dat bug?

Gretzky  What bug?

Lafleur  Da one up your ass! Heh, heh. Bob Gainey fell for dat one just like you did. Now, c’mon, let’s get dis car back on da road. Show me you’re stronger than you look. You sure you won’t have a cigarette? It builds muscles!

Gretzky (sighs)  Okay, Guy, I’ll try one.

(blackout)

(end)