For the Ladies

From You Suck, Sir. Published by Arsenal Pulp Press in 2020. 

Racism

One of my Chinese grade ten students approaches me after school.

Him: “Sir, have you ever experienced racism?”
Me: “Sadly, yes.”
Him: “What did you do?”
Me: “It’s always different. I used to let it slide, but when I was old enough to find my voice, I stood up for myself. Did something happen to you today?”
Him:  “Someone called me a Chinaman.”
Me: “That must have hurt.”
Him: “Has anyone ever called you a Chinaman?”
Me: “Yes.”
Him: “Did you get mad?”
Me: “Of course. But mainly because I’m Korean.”


Trust

Grade twelve student: “Sir, can I get an extension on my essay?”

Me: “Sure.”
Him: “Don’t you want to know why?”
Me: “Well, there’s no reason not to trust you, so no.”
Him: “Wow. Thanks!”
He’s about to walk away but then returns.
Him: “Um, I didn’t really have a reason, though. I just procrastinated.”
Me: “And that’s why I trust you.”
Him: “Cool!”


Yearbook Write-Ups

The grade twelves are working on their grad write-ups for the yearbook. I’m reading one student’s very brief sentence.

Me: “Is this it?”
Him: “Yup.”
Me: “A bit inappropriate for your last words in school, don’t you think?”
Him: “That’s how I want to be remembered.”
Me: (Reading) “‘For the ladies.’”
He shrugs.
Me: “What exactly is for the ladies?”
Him: “Me.”
Me: “Really?”


The Conversationalist

Grade twelve student: “Sir, I saw you in the mall last weekend.”

Me: “Yeah?”
Him: “Yeah. What were you doing there?”
Me: “Shopping perhaps?”
Him: “Nice.”
Me: “Great talking with you.”
Him: “Cool.”


Excuse

A grade ten student walks into class fifteen minutes late.

Him: “Sorry I’m late, sir.”
Me: “Don’t worry about it. Just make up the time after school with me.”
Him: “But I have a good excuse.”
Me: “You slept in?”
Him: “But for a good reason.”
Me: “Let’s hear it.”
Him: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Him: “My alarm wasn’t working.”
Me: “That’s the best you could come up with?”
Him: “You put me on the spot.”


Orientalism

One of my Chinese students approaches me during English 10.

Him: “Sir, why are we ‘Asian’ and not ‘Oriental’?”
Me: “‘Oriental’ is considered politically incorrect now and kind of offensive.”
Him: “Why’s that?”
Me: “It’s a term used by white colonialists to describe a huge group of people.”
Him: “But, isn’t ‘Asian’ also a term given to us by white people? Like, anything we call ourselves in English is probably not something we came up with ourselves, right?”
Me: “Your brain has outgrown me.”


Love Poem

A grade nine student is working on something at his desk during lunch.

Him: “Sir, what rhymes with love?”
Me: “Writing a poem?”
Him: “Yeah.”
Me: “Is it for that girl you were telling me about? Didn’t you just start dating?”
Him: “Yeah.”
Me: “And you want to tell her you love her already?”
Him: “I didn’t think about that.”
Me: “Nothing wrong with taking your time on this.”
He looks down at his paper.
Him: “Then what rhymes with make out?”

When I Grow Up

Grade eleven student: “Sir, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Depends on my age. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a lawyer. When I was seven, I wanted to be Superman. And for a brief time when I was four, I wanted to be a dancer.”
Her: “You were so in touch with yourself for a four-year-old.”
Me: “Thanks. What?”