Dispatches

Wittgenstein Walks (Commercial Drive)

Stephen Osborne

1 Please No Dumping

1.1 Keep Your City Clean

1.2 This Phone Is Shut Off From 11 pm To 5:00 am

1.21 Do Not Sit In Front Of Entrance.

1.211 Sorry For The Inconvenience.

1.3 No Vending – Maximum Fine $500

1.3.1 Best Poutine In B.C.

1.3.2 Bottomless bowling

1.3.3 Keep your pants on

1.4 Got Pot?

1.41 The Vending Machine Does!

1.411 $4 – $6 Grams

1.412 Shatter – Budder – Oil – Hash

1.413 $100 ounces

1.5 Discount Bread—Come on in, take a look around! Save money on all your bread and cookie needs and wants!

1.6 First $200 has no interest

1.7 Happy Lunch

2 Sorry, No Cash On Premises

2.1 U Work Today We Pay Today

2.2 Local Traffic Only

2.3 Adult Education For Youth

2.4 Crime Prevention Office

2.41 Closed For The holidays

2.42 Have a Safe Holiday.

2.5 Cellphone Repairs & Unlock

2.6 EAT FRESH HOTDOG & PIZZA

2.61 Pricing and Deals:

2.62 Single Hot Dog: $2.25 + Tx

2.63 Double Deal (pop inc): $5 + Tx

2.64 Pizza: $1.75 + Tx

2.65 1 Pizza / Hotdog: $3.75 + Tx

2.67 Regular Pop: $1.25

2.68 Premium Pop: $1.75 (ask)

3 Sam’s Vacuum Store

3.1 F&M Glass

3.2 Nitrogen

3.3 Starter Package – 250 – Business Cards,

3.31 Letterheads, Envelopes – Predefined Format

3.4 Superior Dollar

3.41 Cash Now

3.5 Dollar Giant

3.7 Casket Royale

3.8 Driver Services

3.81 Free Devilery ($20 Minimum)

3.9 No Public Washroom

3.91 Please Use Front Door

3.92 Eat Healthy Mexican Food

3.93 Lee Harvey Bin Laden Was A Patsy

3.94 USA Out Of North America

4 Applause Video’s

; but it is by no means confined to these, as sometimes erroneously stated.)

4.1 No Narcotics/Cash On Premises

4.12 Seniors: Please Line Up Against The Wall

4.13 Due To Recent Increases In Robberies In This Area

4.14 Please Remove Hats And Sunglasses

4.2 Closed Temporarily—Bank Holdup

5 Lusitania Coffee Shop

5.1 Adanac Towers

5.12 www.mrdance.ca

5.13 Home Of Andy’s Baking

5.2 Sweet Cherubim

5.21 US Hands Off Cuba

5.3 Luke I am your father

5.31 Shake n Bake Barbershop

5.32 Please Carry Your Bike to the Bzack of the Office

5.321 Please do not line up or smoke in front ofthe building.

5.4 CO2 Systems

5.5 United Croats

5.51 King Tomislav Branch

5.6 Magpie Magazine Gallery

5.7 All food $4.95 all day everyday

6 Unloading Only 9 – 99

6.1 Please don’t run after a bus while it’s leaving a stop.

6.11 Once a bus is committed to leaving a stop, the driver’s full attention must be on other traffic.

6.111 The safety of the bus and its passengers is paramount.

6.12 That’s why Company regulations say that buses do not pick up passengers after they leave their stop.

6.2 So running alongside and in some cases slapping the side of the bus can only distract the driver

6.21 Making his/her job more difficult.

6.22 It can also be dangerous for the runner.

6.221 People have slipped and fallen against buses and in some cases have even fallen under a wheel.

6.23 Waiting for the next bus is safer for all concerned and may even prove to be faster.

6.3 “Half this game is ninety percent mental”

—Yogi Berra

6.4 Vasco de Gama Cafe

6.41 Vicious Cycle Laundry & Cafe

6.411 Piramidon Egyptian Cafe

6.412 Artistico Greek Cafe

6.413 Thai Away Home

6.414 Nuff-Nice-Ness

6.42 Liquidation Sale 30%–50%–70% off everything

6.43 People Before Profits

7 Legion Branch #179 – Open House

7.1 Come In And Meet New Friends

7.2 Fred’s Best Deals

7.3 No Trespassing – Passage Interdit

7.4 Street Cleaning 2 am – 4 am

7.5 Reggae Thursday – Monday Poetry

7.51 Please No Posters Or Grafitti.

7.52 Thanks, Chuck.

7.6 Missing—Have You Seen Dawne?

7.7 New S#it Poetry Slam

7.71 All New Poetry

7.72 Do Not Pass

7.73 Underarms $14

7.8 Steve’s Tailoring Closing Down.

7.81 Thank You For Your Support Over The Years!

8 Helium—Cashback—Keys Cut

8.1 Autographed Book Sale—Over 700 Titles

8.11 All Hand Signed Buy Authors

8.2 Hands On Experience Hair Design

8.21 Fur Bearers Defender

8.3 Think Globally

8.4 J, N & Z Deli – Smoked Meat

8.41 Italy On Sale!

9 Business Alert –

9.01 Be On The Lookout

9.1 Insert Valid Coins Only

9.11 We Accept Canadian Tire Money

9.2 Ears Pierced While You Wait

9.3 Work At Home

9.301 Earn Serious Income

9.31 Factory Outlet Good Brands

9.4 No Soliciting. That Means Everyone.

9.41 Have Nice Short Haircut.

9.411 You Will Look Better

10 T & Q Laundromat

10.1 1st Aid Training

10.2 Kadampa Meditation Centre

10.3 Helen Wang Hair & Beauty

10.4 Findlay Convenience Spartacus Books

10.5 Lunapads

10.6 Morwin Garment Manu.

10.7 Pearl Design Garment Manufactory

10.8 Dog Spa

11 Casa Verde

11.1 Ivan’s Auto Body

11.11 QA Collision & Glass

11.2 Fluorescent Lights

11.3 Industrial Engraving

11.31 Codex Tools & Fasteners

11.4 Brittania Food Equip. Ltd.

12 No BIG Dogs Allowed—sorry, no exceptions

12.1 New Patients & Emergencies—WELCOME!

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Stephen Osborne

Stephen Osborne is a co-founder and contributing publisher of Geist. He is the award-winning writer of Ice & Fire: Dispatches from the New World and dozens of shorter works, many of which can be read at geist.com.


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